Day 3 of P90X

Today was our third day. When we first started, we were doing the Classic version, but decided to switch to Lean! I'm so glad we did. Today's workout was good and I feel GREAT! I can't believe it's already after 1AM. Gah!

I am sore. After day one, I wanted to die. And I hate Tony Horton. I think he's the devil. Lol.

I definitely recommend this workout to everyone. I wish my friends would do it so we could talk about it. I'm excited to see what changes come. I still haven't wrapped my mind around the fact that my body will be changing/shrinking. I guess I just have this visual of still being fat, just more in shape. I certainly hope that doesn't happen. I desperately need to get a handle on my eating. I think today I did better. I just get so darn hungry.

I've been taking the Shakeology with Eva and I find that I like mine with water and ice. They're thick and it actually does taste like chocolate. It's actually quite good. I was surprised. Eva likes hers with milk, a banana, and today she added coconut extract. She had me taste it and it tastes just like an Almond Joy! Wow!

I feel pretty sleepy now. I have dishes soaking in the sink so I'm going to get to them now then go to bed. I got a call for a second interview with BioLife today. I'm pretty excited. I hope I get it. I got a job as a barista with Hastings. I'll probably start that on Monday or Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Ok, I'm back

Well, I'm not even sure what to report. I'm still excited to exercise, but I guess in all that excitement, I forgot to psych myself up for planning my meals and keeping track! Doh! I seriously didn't have my mind wrapped about that! Gah!!

Eva and I did a little bit of Zumba and a few of the exercises/stretches that were on the second DVD. I really liked it even tho some of the moves were hard. We mostly did our fit test on Tuesday. It was a lot harder than I expected, but I think I did pretty well considering my size and lack of stamina. I think I should do my fit test again. I feel like a couple of things I didn't go all the way to "failure" so, maybe I'll do just that.

Eva's been tracking her P90X shipment. It should be here any day now. She's super excited. I'm excited, too. I just hope we can come up with a routine, or at least have some sort of plan in place a couple of days ahead of time so I know what to expect. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but when she's unable to workout with me, I might just do the Just Dance on the Wii. We'll see.

So, I need to work out more and I need to start tracking my food.

I got a job today. I should start working sometime next week. This might prove itself difficult, but I can't allow myself to accept the excuses. There are plenty of people who do way more than me in a day and still manage to work out. And...I want this, remember!?

I think it would be very beneficial for me to do a dream board. I need something to look at to remind me of why I need to work, why I WANT to work out, and what I hope to accomplish in my personal arsenal of goals. I wonder if Eva would do one with me? 

So tired

Well, we did it. We actually started working out...and now I see why fat people stay fat. It's a hell of a lot easier than working your butt off, that's for sure. I'm pretty sleepy now, so I'll continue on this tomorrow, hopefully.

Zumba was great. I'm looking forward to day two. :)

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.

So, since high school, my head has absolutely changed shape. My head seems to be bigger now. Way bigger. And, so...if/when I lose weight, won't I look weird with my ginormous head? 

It's something to think about people. 

Ok, Exhale

OK, the day will soon be here that I will 100% commit myself to a new program. Gah! I'm so nervous. Why am I so nervous? I seem to be focused on what I am giving up instead of what I'll be gaining...OK, maybe I'm a little excited about what I'll be gaining. 

I imagine how invigorating it'll be to feel the blood pounding thru the sludge in my veins. I'm very much looking forward to stretching and being exhausted. 

Gah. Potatoes.

So, I'm going to be doing the P90X with Eva and following the Weight Watchers diet plan. I'm going to do that for a couple of months and see how much I lose. I'm excited!! 

A part of me doesn't want Eva to see me grunting like a boar. :( Oh, well. 

I'm a little more than just a little stressed over finances. I can't help but notice that I have this incredible urge to go eat something. Anything. 

It's A Start!

Today, Eva and I worked on our workout room. Well, it was mostly Eva. I felt so tired and just bogged down. I don't know if it was the allergy pill I had to take or if this general feeling of worthlessness is now engrained? Either way, I did the easy stuff; folded laundry, organized various bags and boxes Eva sent my way. 

January 1st if fast approaching. We won't have our videos or shakes yet, but we plan on at least renting a yoga or Pilates video. I have Zumba, but Eva says she's not interested. Maybe I'll try it by myself and get in some cardio. I'm pretty excited for the life change. Well, maybe excited is the wrong word...I'm...I'm...apprehensive and kinda in mourning. Is that what I'm trying to say? 

I've been trying to make my peace with potatoes and white rice. I can live without the sweets. Sweets have never really been my downfall. I just LOVE to eat and it takes a lot to fill me up! Dammit! It's always been that way. I dunno. My dad counts calories and stresses to me I can have what I want as long as I count the calories..so, maybe there will be room in there for me to sometimes have a potato and some rice. Not at the same time of course. That would be too delicious! haha. 

I thought I should add this today since I forgot about it yesterday...I was doing weight watchers there for about 2 weeks and lost like 10 pounds. When I started, I was 278, I believe...and when I got down to 270, I panicked. The thought of going into the 260's just scared the shit outta me. I don't know why. So, I totally sabotaged myself and went off the plan. I was doing so well and I felt GREAT! The point system really worked for me. I LOVED it. And, like I said, I was doing so well. So, why would that freak me out? I mean...it took me about a week of freaking out to go back on and lose the additional 2 pounds...It was like I had to take some time and wrap my mind around it. Gah! I guess I just won't weigh myself every dang minute. LOL. Once a week. I'll try to stick to that. Maybe that'll help with the not flipping shit over stupid stuff like that. Gees. 

I'm looking forward to new beginnings and holding myself accountable. 

Oh, and I have to get a job. Blah.  

Day One Of My Blog

Ok, let's see if I can work this thing...Umm...Where to start? 

Well, I guess I'll start at the beginning. 

I'm 38 and over the course of the last 20 years I've slowly been gaining weight...I'm currently about 125 pounds overweight. I look back and wonder how I let this happen, and I have to admit to myself, I did it on purpose. Maybe not the whole 125 pounds, but a hefty amount because I wanted to "see". I wanted to see if I, in fact, did have value. What in the world could I possibly mean by this:

Ever since I was little, there was a lot of emphasis on my looks. I grew up in a predominantly Hispanic town, and even though I am half Mexican, I look white. So, I always stood out. My mom is Mexican and so there was always that shock value in having me as a kid, with my blonde hair and fair skin. People would always gush and say I was pretty. My mom quickly jumped on board with that and put a lot of pressure on me to "be pretty". 

I remember one year, I believe I was in the 3rd grade, I was playing outside on the swings with a friend...we were twisting around each other on so we would unravel really fast...we did this a couple of times and the last time, before we separated, she pushed me and I hit myself square in eye. Before I knew it, I had this huge goose egg and black eye. It was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and my mom was due to pick me up (my dad raised me, my mom would pick me up for visits sporadically throughout my childhood). Well, she comes to pick me up and sees me this way and told me I was ugly. I was in the 3rd grade. I got the shit knocked outta me and this is what she has to say? I don't even think she really wanted me to spend that time with her, but she did take me with her. I don't hold it against my mom, I mean, I get it now...but it left an impression on me that never left.

So, let's fast forward about 100 years....I'm young, trying to make my way thru life... Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, but do they really see me? I'm more that just a pretty face. I have thoughts, feelings, smarts, a pretty well rounded package, if you ask me. So, I decided to conduct my own little experiment. I decided I would cut my hair off. I didn't want to "hide behind my hair anymore" (I specifically remember thinking that. *moron!) So, I get this bob haircut almost up to my ears. I can't believe I did it, but I did! What a horrible mistake. I didn't feel pretty, but I was still able to turn heads and all that stuff. Not really the reaction I was expecting. 

When I was about 18, I remember thinking that I'm just going to go ahead and gain weight and see if I still got the reaction I used to. Gawd, I look back and see how foolish I was. The superficial relationships I was building were because of ME. I only associated with men I could get something out of....when I say that, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Gah. Anyway, I gained weight thinking that people would still be interested in ME, but what I didn't realize is that I would put on all this weight and not even try to get it off. Not until now. And what is a big motivator for me? 

It's not that simple, add in I was a truck driver for about 5 years or so, and then add some self-loathing, etc. And here I am...38 years old. The fat chick with glasses. I'm embarrassed by what I look like now. Seriously, people. I think I was in denial for a very very long time. I had what I call "skinny girl syndrome". I was a size 22 but still saw myself as a size 12. Until recently. I'd say about a year...when I started looking REALLY really bad in pictures. Like, no matter what I do, I look terrible. And there's no denying it. I'm a fat ass.


Ok, so my motivation: I want to be good looking once I hit my 40's. I know I should want to be healthy and fit, but fuck that. I just want to feel good about myself and be confident. That's HUGE for me. I've lost my confidence. If you asked anyone to name a characteristic they noticed about me, they would say my confidence! It's gone. POOF! It's no where to be found. 


My girlfriend is really cute and women hit on her all the time. That used to be me. I think the first time I get mistaken as her mother, I will shoot myself. :) LOL. I hate being so dramatic and all this emphasis on my looks and what other people think or don't think. Gah. I *wish* it was something terrible that made me get this way, but there really isn't anything. Just me being a moron and being lazy and doing this to myself. Seriously. Now I have a TON of work ahead of me and no one can get me out of this fat suit but me. 


Even when I was at my thinnest, I was a size 9 comfortably, and a size 7 if I didn't care to breathe. I was really active and athletic, but I ate a LOT, so I wonder if I could have been thinner? Probably. 


Please don't think I'm stuck on myself or really all that vain. I mean, I want to feel good about myself again. Looking "not fat" is part of that. I think it'll be GREAT when I can walk upstairs and not be winded. I think it's gonna be awesome when I can walk, run, ride a bike without my back hurting like crazy. Maybe I won't snore anymore? Maybe I won't be in this rut I've got myself in. I don't even want to leave the house most days. This isn't me. This isn't the person I am meant to be. I guess I feel like I'm defending myself because I think it's horrible to want to look good again. My knee-jerk response isn't because I want to be healthy. Does this make me the devil? LOL. *sigh*