Day One Of My Blog

Ok, let's see if I can work this thing...Umm...Where to start? 

Well, I guess I'll start at the beginning. 

I'm 38 and over the course of the last 20 years I've slowly been gaining weight...I'm currently about 125 pounds overweight. I look back and wonder how I let this happen, and I have to admit to myself, I did it on purpose. Maybe not the whole 125 pounds, but a hefty amount because I wanted to "see". I wanted to see if I, in fact, did have value. What in the world could I possibly mean by this:

Ever since I was little, there was a lot of emphasis on my looks. I grew up in a predominantly Hispanic town, and even though I am half Mexican, I look white. So, I always stood out. My mom is Mexican and so there was always that shock value in having me as a kid, with my blonde hair and fair skin. People would always gush and say I was pretty. My mom quickly jumped on board with that and put a lot of pressure on me to "be pretty". 

I remember one year, I believe I was in the 3rd grade, I was playing outside on the swings with a friend...we were twisting around each other on so we would unravel really fast...we did this a couple of times and the last time, before we separated, she pushed me and I hit myself square in eye. Before I knew it, I had this huge goose egg and black eye. It was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and my mom was due to pick me up (my dad raised me, my mom would pick me up for visits sporadically throughout my childhood). Well, she comes to pick me up and sees me this way and told me I was ugly. I was in the 3rd grade. I got the shit knocked outta me and this is what she has to say? I don't even think she really wanted me to spend that time with her, but she did take me with her. I don't hold it against my mom, I mean, I get it now...but it left an impression on me that never left.

So, let's fast forward about 100 years....I'm young, trying to make my way thru life... Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, but do they really see me? I'm more that just a pretty face. I have thoughts, feelings, smarts, a pretty well rounded package, if you ask me. So, I decided to conduct my own little experiment. I decided I would cut my hair off. I didn't want to "hide behind my hair anymore" (I specifically remember thinking that. *moron!) So, I get this bob haircut almost up to my ears. I can't believe I did it, but I did! What a horrible mistake. I didn't feel pretty, but I was still able to turn heads and all that stuff. Not really the reaction I was expecting. 

When I was about 18, I remember thinking that I'm just going to go ahead and gain weight and see if I still got the reaction I used to. Gawd, I look back and see how foolish I was. The superficial relationships I was building were because of ME. I only associated with men I could get something out of....when I say that, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Gah. Anyway, I gained weight thinking that people would still be interested in ME, but what I didn't realize is that I would put on all this weight and not even try to get it off. Not until now. And what is a big motivator for me? 

It's not that simple, add in I was a truck driver for about 5 years or so, and then add some self-loathing, etc. And here I am...38 years old. The fat chick with glasses. I'm embarrassed by what I look like now. Seriously, people. I think I was in denial for a very very long time. I had what I call "skinny girl syndrome". I was a size 22 but still saw myself as a size 12. Until recently. I'd say about a year...when I started looking REALLY really bad in pictures. Like, no matter what I do, I look terrible. And there's no denying it. I'm a fat ass.


Ok, so my motivation: I want to be good looking once I hit my 40's. I know I should want to be healthy and fit, but fuck that. I just want to feel good about myself and be confident. That's HUGE for me. I've lost my confidence. If you asked anyone to name a characteristic they noticed about me, they would say my confidence! It's gone. POOF! It's no where to be found. 


My girlfriend is really cute and women hit on her all the time. That used to be me. I think the first time I get mistaken as her mother, I will shoot myself. :) LOL. I hate being so dramatic and all this emphasis on my looks and what other people think or don't think. Gah. I *wish* it was something terrible that made me get this way, but there really isn't anything. Just me being a moron and being lazy and doing this to myself. Seriously. Now I have a TON of work ahead of me and no one can get me out of this fat suit but me. 


Even when I was at my thinnest, I was a size 9 comfortably, and a size 7 if I didn't care to breathe. I was really active and athletic, but I ate a LOT, so I wonder if I could have been thinner? Probably. 


Please don't think I'm stuck on myself or really all that vain. I mean, I want to feel good about myself again. Looking "not fat" is part of that. I think it'll be GREAT when I can walk upstairs and not be winded. I think it's gonna be awesome when I can walk, run, ride a bike without my back hurting like crazy. Maybe I won't snore anymore? Maybe I won't be in this rut I've got myself in. I don't even want to leave the house most days. This isn't me. This isn't the person I am meant to be. I guess I feel like I'm defending myself because I think it's horrible to want to look good again. My knee-jerk response isn't because I want to be healthy. Does this make me the devil? LOL. *sigh*