So, since high school, my head has absolutely changed shape. My head seems to be bigger now. Way bigger. And, so...if/when I lose weight, won't I look weird with my ginormous head?
It's something to think about people.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Ok, Exhale
OK, the day will soon be here that I will 100% commit myself to a new program. Gah! I'm so nervous. Why am I so nervous? I seem to be focused on what I am giving up instead of what I'll be gaining...OK, maybe I'm a little excited about what I'll be gaining.
I imagine how invigorating it'll be to feel the blood pounding thru the sludge in my veins. I'm very much looking forward to stretching and being exhausted.
Gah. Potatoes.
So, I'm going to be doing the P90X with Eva and following the Weight Watchers diet plan. I'm going to do that for a couple of months and see how much I lose. I'm excited!!
A part of me doesn't want Eva to see me grunting like a boar. :( Oh, well.
I'm a little more than just a little stressed over finances. I can't help but notice that I have this incredible urge to go eat something. Anything.
I imagine how invigorating it'll be to feel the blood pounding thru the sludge in my veins. I'm very much looking forward to stretching and being exhausted.
Gah. Potatoes.
So, I'm going to be doing the P90X with Eva and following the Weight Watchers diet plan. I'm going to do that for a couple of months and see how much I lose. I'm excited!!
A part of me doesn't want Eva to see me grunting like a boar. :( Oh, well.
I'm a little more than just a little stressed over finances. I can't help but notice that I have this incredible urge to go eat something. Anything.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It's A Start!
Today, Eva and I worked on our workout room. Well, it was mostly Eva. I felt so tired and just bogged down. I don't know if it was the allergy pill I had to take or if this general feeling of worthlessness is now engrained? Either way, I did the easy stuff; folded laundry, organized various bags and boxes Eva sent my way.
January 1st if fast approaching. We won't have our videos or shakes yet, but we plan on at least renting a yoga or Pilates video. I have Zumba, but Eva says she's not interested. Maybe I'll try it by myself and get in some cardio. I'm pretty excited for the life change. Well, maybe excited is the wrong word...I'm...I'm...apprehensive and kinda in mourning. Is that what I'm trying to say?
I've been trying to make my peace with potatoes and white rice. I can live without the sweets. Sweets have never really been my downfall. I just LOVE to eat and it takes a lot to fill me up! Dammit! It's always been that way. I dunno. My dad counts calories and stresses to me I can have what I want as long as I count the calories..so, maybe there will be room in there for me to sometimes have a potato and some rice. Not at the same time of course. That would be too delicious! haha.
I thought I should add this today since I forgot about it yesterday...I was doing weight watchers there for about 2 weeks and lost like 10 pounds. When I started, I was 278, I believe...and when I got down to 270, I panicked. The thought of going into the 260's just scared the shit outta me. I don't know why. So, I totally sabotaged myself and went off the plan. I was doing so well and I felt GREAT! The point system really worked for me. I LOVED it. And, like I said, I was doing so well. So, why would that freak me out? I mean...it took me about a week of freaking out to go back on and lose the additional 2 pounds...It was like I had to take some time and wrap my mind around it. Gah! I guess I just won't weigh myself every dang minute. LOL. Once a week. I'll try to stick to that. Maybe that'll help with the not flipping shit over stupid stuff like that. Gees.
I'm looking forward to new beginnings and holding myself accountable.
Oh, and I have to get a job. Blah.
January 1st if fast approaching. We won't have our videos or shakes yet, but we plan on at least renting a yoga or Pilates video. I have Zumba, but Eva says she's not interested. Maybe I'll try it by myself and get in some cardio. I'm pretty excited for the life change. Well, maybe excited is the wrong word...I'm...I'm...apprehensive and kinda in mourning. Is that what I'm trying to say?
I've been trying to make my peace with potatoes and white rice. I can live without the sweets. Sweets have never really been my downfall. I just LOVE to eat and it takes a lot to fill me up! Dammit! It's always been that way. I dunno. My dad counts calories and stresses to me I can have what I want as long as I count the calories..so, maybe there will be room in there for me to sometimes have a potato and some rice. Not at the same time of course. That would be too delicious! haha.
I thought I should add this today since I forgot about it yesterday...I was doing weight watchers there for about 2 weeks and lost like 10 pounds. When I started, I was 278, I believe...and when I got down to 270, I panicked. The thought of going into the 260's just scared the shit outta me. I don't know why. So, I totally sabotaged myself and went off the plan. I was doing so well and I felt GREAT! The point system really worked for me. I LOVED it. And, like I said, I was doing so well. So, why would that freak me out? I mean...it took me about a week of freaking out to go back on and lose the additional 2 pounds...It was like I had to take some time and wrap my mind around it. Gah! I guess I just won't weigh myself every dang minute. LOL. Once a week. I'll try to stick to that. Maybe that'll help with the not flipping shit over stupid stuff like that. Gees.
I'm looking forward to new beginnings and holding myself accountable.
Oh, and I have to get a job. Blah.
Day One Of My Blog
Ok, let's see if I can work this thing...Umm...Where to start?
Well, I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I'm 38 and over the course of the last 20 years I've slowly been gaining weight...I'm currently about 125 pounds overweight. I look back and wonder how I let this happen, and I have to admit to myself, I did it on purpose. Maybe not the whole 125 pounds, but a hefty amount because I wanted to "see". I wanted to see if I, in fact, did have value. What in the world could I possibly mean by this:
Ever since I was little, there was a lot of emphasis on my looks. I grew up in a predominantly Hispanic town, and even though I am half Mexican, I look white. So, I always stood out. My mom is Mexican and so there was always that shock value in having me as a kid, with my blonde hair and fair skin. People would always gush and say I was pretty. My mom quickly jumped on board with that and put a lot of pressure on me to "be pretty".
I remember one year, I believe I was in the 3rd grade, I was playing outside on the swings with a friend...we were twisting around each other on so we would unravel really fast...we did this a couple of times and the last time, before we separated, she pushed me and I hit myself square in eye. Before I knew it, I had this huge goose egg and black eye. It was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and my mom was due to pick me up (my dad raised me, my mom would pick me up for visits sporadically throughout my childhood). Well, she comes to pick me up and sees me this way and told me I was ugly. I was in the 3rd grade. I got the shit knocked outta me and this is what she has to say? I don't even think she really wanted me to spend that time with her, but she did take me with her. I don't hold it against my mom, I mean, I get it now...but it left an impression on me that never left.
So, let's fast forward about 100 years....I'm young, trying to make my way thru life... Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, but do they really see me? I'm more that just a pretty face. I have thoughts, feelings, smarts, a pretty well rounded package, if you ask me. So, I decided to conduct my own little experiment. I decided I would cut my hair off. I didn't want to "hide behind my hair anymore" (I specifically remember thinking that. *moron!) So, I get this bob haircut almost up to my ears. I can't believe I did it, but I did! What a horrible mistake. I didn't feel pretty, but I was still able to turn heads and all that stuff. Not really the reaction I was expecting.
When I was about 18, I remember thinking that I'm just going to go ahead and gain weight and see if I still got the reaction I used to. Gawd, I look back and see how foolish I was. The superficial relationships I was building were because of ME. I only associated with men I could get something out of....when I say that, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Gah. Anyway, I gained weight thinking that people would still be interested in ME, but what I didn't realize is that I would put on all this weight and not even try to get it off. Not until now. And what is a big motivator for me?
It's not that simple, add in I was a truck driver for about 5 years or so, and then add some self-loathing, etc. And here I am...38 years old. The fat chick with glasses. I'm embarrassed by what I look like now. Seriously, people. I think I was in denial for a very very long time. I had what I call "skinny girl syndrome". I was a size 22 but still saw myself as a size 12. Until recently. I'd say about a year...when I started looking REALLY really bad in pictures. Like, no matter what I do, I look terrible. And there's no denying it. I'm a fat ass.
Ok, so my motivation: I want to be good looking once I hit my 40's. I know I should want to be healthy and fit, but fuck that. I just want to feel good about myself and be confident. That's HUGE for me. I've lost my confidence. If you asked anyone to name a characteristic they noticed about me, they would say my confidence! It's gone. POOF! It's no where to be found.
My girlfriend is really cute and women hit on her all the time. That used to be me. I think the first time I get mistaken as her mother, I will shoot myself. :) LOL. I hate being so dramatic and all this emphasis on my looks and what other people think or don't think. Gah. I *wish* it was something terrible that made me get this way, but there really isn't anything. Just me being a moron and being lazy and doing this to myself. Seriously. Now I have a TON of work ahead of me and no one can get me out of this fat suit but me.
Even when I was at my thinnest, I was a size 9 comfortably, and a size 7 if I didn't care to breathe. I was really active and athletic, but I ate a LOT, so I wonder if I could have been thinner? Probably.
Please don't think I'm stuck on myself or really all that vain. I mean, I want to feel good about myself again. Looking "not fat" is part of that. I think it'll be GREAT when I can walk upstairs and not be winded. I think it's gonna be awesome when I can walk, run, ride a bike without my back hurting like crazy. Maybe I won't snore anymore? Maybe I won't be in this rut I've got myself in. I don't even want to leave the house most days. This isn't me. This isn't the person I am meant to be. I guess I feel like I'm defending myself because I think it's horrible to want to look good again. My knee-jerk response isn't because I want to be healthy. Does this make me the devil? LOL. *sigh*
Well, I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I'm 38 and over the course of the last 20 years I've slowly been gaining weight...I'm currently about 125 pounds overweight. I look back and wonder how I let this happen, and I have to admit to myself, I did it on purpose. Maybe not the whole 125 pounds, but a hefty amount because I wanted to "see". I wanted to see if I, in fact, did have value. What in the world could I possibly mean by this:
Ever since I was little, there was a lot of emphasis on my looks. I grew up in a predominantly Hispanic town, and even though I am half Mexican, I look white. So, I always stood out. My mom is Mexican and so there was always that shock value in having me as a kid, with my blonde hair and fair skin. People would always gush and say I was pretty. My mom quickly jumped on board with that and put a lot of pressure on me to "be pretty".
I remember one year, I believe I was in the 3rd grade, I was playing outside on the swings with a friend...we were twisting around each other on so we would unravel really fast...we did this a couple of times and the last time, before we separated, she pushed me and I hit myself square in eye. Before I knew it, I had this huge goose egg and black eye. It was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break and my mom was due to pick me up (my dad raised me, my mom would pick me up for visits sporadically throughout my childhood). Well, she comes to pick me up and sees me this way and told me I was ugly. I was in the 3rd grade. I got the shit knocked outta me and this is what she has to say? I don't even think she really wanted me to spend that time with her, but she did take me with her. I don't hold it against my mom, I mean, I get it now...but it left an impression on me that never left.
So, let's fast forward about 100 years....I'm young, trying to make my way thru life... Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, but do they really see me? I'm more that just a pretty face. I have thoughts, feelings, smarts, a pretty well rounded package, if you ask me. So, I decided to conduct my own little experiment. I decided I would cut my hair off. I didn't want to "hide behind my hair anymore" (I specifically remember thinking that. *moron!) So, I get this bob haircut almost up to my ears. I can't believe I did it, but I did! What a horrible mistake. I didn't feel pretty, but I was still able to turn heads and all that stuff. Not really the reaction I was expecting.
When I was about 18, I remember thinking that I'm just going to go ahead and gain weight and see if I still got the reaction I used to. Gawd, I look back and see how foolish I was. The superficial relationships I was building were because of ME. I only associated with men I could get something out of....when I say that, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Gah. Anyway, I gained weight thinking that people would still be interested in ME, but what I didn't realize is that I would put on all this weight and not even try to get it off. Not until now. And what is a big motivator for me?
It's not that simple, add in I was a truck driver for about 5 years or so, and then add some self-loathing, etc. And here I am...38 years old. The fat chick with glasses. I'm embarrassed by what I look like now. Seriously, people. I think I was in denial for a very very long time. I had what I call "skinny girl syndrome". I was a size 22 but still saw myself as a size 12. Until recently. I'd say about a year...when I started looking REALLY really bad in pictures. Like, no matter what I do, I look terrible. And there's no denying it. I'm a fat ass.
Ok, so my motivation: I want to be good looking once I hit my 40's. I know I should want to be healthy and fit, but fuck that. I just want to feel good about myself and be confident. That's HUGE for me. I've lost my confidence. If you asked anyone to name a characteristic they noticed about me, they would say my confidence! It's gone. POOF! It's no where to be found.
My girlfriend is really cute and women hit on her all the time. That used to be me. I think the first time I get mistaken as her mother, I will shoot myself. :) LOL. I hate being so dramatic and all this emphasis on my looks and what other people think or don't think. Gah. I *wish* it was something terrible that made me get this way, but there really isn't anything. Just me being a moron and being lazy and doing this to myself. Seriously. Now I have a TON of work ahead of me and no one can get me out of this fat suit but me.
Even when I was at my thinnest, I was a size 9 comfortably, and a size 7 if I didn't care to breathe. I was really active and athletic, but I ate a LOT, so I wonder if I could have been thinner? Probably.
Please don't think I'm stuck on myself or really all that vain. I mean, I want to feel good about myself again. Looking "not fat" is part of that. I think it'll be GREAT when I can walk upstairs and not be winded. I think it's gonna be awesome when I can walk, run, ride a bike without my back hurting like crazy. Maybe I won't snore anymore? Maybe I won't be in this rut I've got myself in. I don't even want to leave the house most days. This isn't me. This isn't the person I am meant to be. I guess I feel like I'm defending myself because I think it's horrible to want to look good again. My knee-jerk response isn't because I want to be healthy. Does this make me the devil? LOL. *sigh*
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